


Insane

by Vivinicorn



Category: Carol (2015), The Price of Salt - Patricia Highsmith
Genre: F/F, Mental Health Issues, Mental Institutions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-07
Updated: 2017-06-19
Packaged: 2018-10-16 00:05:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,462
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10560012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vivinicorn/pseuds/Vivinicorn
Summary: AU of Therese coping in a mental institution. Eventually Therese/Carol





	1. Chapter 1

_**Warning: This fanfic will be mostly dark and contains mental illness and swearing. If this bothers you, then please don't read it.** _

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Carol/The Price of Salt, I don't own their characters and no money has been made from this.** _

* * *

Insane

Chapter One

_'Dear Diary, or… book of thoughts? I still don't know what to call this, well, you. I guess. But then again, does it really matter? It's not like you could understand what I'm talking about, or even respond to it.'_

I let out a deep sigh, but, of course, he didn't care about it. Ugh, I can still hear his annoying voice speaking these idiotic words to me „it will be a good exercise for you, Therese. Bla blah blah." But guess what, I hate it. And he knows that, of course he does. He knows everything. Well, nearly everything. He seeks to know everything. Everything about me. I'm not even sure why, well partly because it's kind of his job to know what's going on inside here but… I don't know what it is or why that is but I, I just, he seems a little extra curious about me than he feels about the others. Though who am I to tell the difference? It's not like I sit and hold hands with them all day long, talking about how shit our life's were and how misunderstood we all are and that all we need is a bit of love. Ha, yeah sure, as if that would make anything better. I risk a quick glance at my watch. 8:26 AM. Jesus Christ, still half an hour to go. Ugggh, this is just straight up torture! I close my eyes, already sensing the pounding headache that's about to come. Why do we have to have these appointments so early all the damn time? I don't even have a pulse before 11 AM.

Feeling a bit of hope, god only knows where that came from, I let out another over dramatic sigh.

„Therese, come on. You can do this. Keep writing."

Looking up from the book I gave him my best -I'd rather jump off a cliff than doing this useless piece of crap, thank you- gaze but of course, he didn't care, again.

„I don't even know what to write about."

„Well, you could introduce yourself, for a start."

I raised my eyebrows at this and looked at him as if he was crazy. But, guess what, he, did, not, c a r e. Damn you, you foggy nut. Knowing there was simply no way out of this, other than simply walking out the door, which was so not appreciated the last time I did it, I slowly started writing again.

 _'Dear_ Diar-rhea _,_

_I'm Therese. Therese Belivet. I'm'_

I paused for a moment.

 _'Insane._ '

* * *

Letting my fingertips slowly rub my forehead in a soothing rhythm, I closed my eyes and quickly calculated the hours I had to kill 'till lunch time. God, I hope they don't serve the mud again that they call chocolate pudding. Why does everyone love that anyways? I mean, I like chocolate, but there's just too much of it in chocolate pudding, well in the real ones of course, not in these pud dè mud ones they serve around here. At least the stupid session was finally over. I surely wouldn't have survived another minute in there.

A quiet whine pulled me abruptly out of my thoughts. It came from the right, it was close and then all of the sudden I felt something wet touch my other hand, which had been lazily dangling over the edge of the couch on which I was resting on.

Opening my eyes I couldn't help but smile the second I saw her cute fluffy face. It only widened when she began to pant and waggle her tail in excitement, only because I had been giving her attention. "What did we do to deserve dogs?" I asked myself while scratching that sweet spot behind her right ear. "Nothing, we don't deserve them." was the quick answer I got back from myself as I watched her rolling herself onto her back, begging me for belly rubs. "You are the only truly good soul in here, my girl."

Sometimes I think about what it must be like to be her. Would it be easier? I mean, of course it would be, she's just a dog that lays around all day, waiting for her daily meals and napping like 30 times a day, having no responsibilities whatsoever.

That's what everyone thinks, isn't it? But how would we know? How could we truly know what it is like to be a dog, when we've never been a dog? But I guess that's just what human brains do, wondering what it's like to be someone else. Making some room on the couch I let Koda settle down beside me. She truly was the most beautiful dog I had ever seen in my entire life. She's a pure Golden Retriever and had just turned 2 years old last Sunday. I grin down at her, she just wants to give her tiny little heart, full of love, to me.

I looked outside the nearby window. It was still very early. The weather outside wasn't the best one could imagine. In fact, it was cold and the sun was barely to be seen because of all the gray rain clouds that seemed to inhale every bit of sunlight that tried to enlighten the day. Morning hours were never something I was afraid of missing. I hate the morning hours. Or rather anytime between 5AM and 3PM. To everyone's surprise, it's not because I hate getting up early, which I totally hate, but that's not it. It's actually much simpler than that and probably very unkind, to say the least. I simply hate it because to me, it looks rather ugly. That's it. Now don't get me wrong, it does have it's moments sometimes, but usually, it doesn't. The afternoon hours are just so much more appealing. To me they feel like a happy end and also a new beginning of something wonderful. They also give me a feeling of safety. Probably because most people are done with work by then and get home to their own lives, which means no one's gonna fuck up mine, for the rest of the day at least. I close my eyes again, trying to get some more precious rest.

It didn't take long until I smelled that particular perfume again. Speaking of people getting home to their own lives; this one doesn't seem to have one. Or at least not one she wished to return to. She was here all the time and she wasn't even one of us. No, she was one of them. She was playing on their team, which meant I had to be careful around her. I guess it's ridiculous how I see things like these but then again, to me it had always been quite clear. To any other person, they are the good ones, the noble doctors, the heroes that give their everyday life to help us, the crazy ones. But to me, they seem more like hawks and we are their prey. They study us, analyze every single one of our moves, the way we react to certain situations or words, the way we speak, the way we dress, the way we think. Everything. And in return, we learn absolutely nothing about them. It's a one-way relationship. They do always say they care about you. But is it really you they care about? Or is it more the own guilt that comes up when one see's a hurt animal and then simply continues walking as if they had never seen them at all? In the end, what they truly care about, is the money they get. That's for sure. I don't trust them and they know it.

But this one was… different, somehow. She hadn't been here for long, only a couple of weeks but nonetheless, there was something unusual about her, something… almost special. She's never spoken a word to me, nor has she ever been any closer to me than on a 5-meter distance. However, I often catch her staring at me out of the corner of my eye. Almost as if I was some kind of mysterious book that she couldn't quite decipher yet. Opening my eyes slowly I noticed that little Koda had long ago fallen asleep and was now snoring quietly. I've been in thought for so long I had completely forgotten the time. I gave Koda one last scratch behind her ear and then carefully untangled myself to get up and go to my room in order to get ready for lunch. As I made my way over to the stairs, I couldn't help but feel someone's eyes on me.

End Chapter One

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Please let me know what you think!


	2. Chapter 2

Insane

Chapter Two

Thunder roared through the dark sky, the world below's only light source was the faint glow of the moon. My damp hair was dancing in the icy north wind. The smell of salt filled my nose. Waves came crashing down against my thighs, soaking the hem of my white nightgown. A faint scream echoed through the night.

„Therese!"

It came from somewhere far behind me. A female voice. I didn't turn around to find out whom exactly it belonged to. I had only one destination, one aim and it was directly in front of me. There was no going back. Strangely, my mind wasn't racing. It was almost completely quiet.

„Therese!"

The scream was louder this time, more desperate than the one before. I continued walking on. The salty water was rising with each step I took. The waves were now crashing against my chest. There was only one thought echoing in my mind. 'I want to die'.

„THERESE PLEASE!"

The woman screamed in panic, however, her screams barely managed to pierce through my determined mind. My feet were no longer touching the ground. I let out my final breath and watched the bubbles floating up as my vision got darker and darker. Believe it or not, in that very moment, I was happy.

But that feeling was quickly replaced by panic as I felt someone's hand pull the back of my gown, forcing me up to the water surface. I wanted to scream the very second my head was above water but all my weak body was able to do was gasping for air while limply hanging in the arms of the stranger that had one arm slung firmly around my middle and was quickly dragging me back to the shore.

If I hadn't known that I was still very much alive I'd have bet I had just entered heaven as the stranger that had just saved my life came into view. It was her. The woman that had been watching me all week long. I had never seen her this close before. She was absolutely stunning.

„Therese? Can you hear me?" Her voice was husky and her eyes were filled with worry, both her hands were on either side of my face, gently stroking the hair out of it.

„Therese? Darling, talk to me?" Her face was only a few inches away from mine now. I began to shiver. If it was because of the icy water I had just nearly died in or if it was because of her being this close to me, I will never fully know. „Wh-who are y-you?" Was all I was able to cough out.

She flashed me a smile and continued to lovingly stroke my hair and cheeks. „Carol. My name is Carol."

„C-Carol." I echoed back and her smile formed into a grin. Unable to stop myself I smiled right back at her before I hastily rolled to the side and puked out what felt like tons of water. I can only imagine how flattering it must have looked in that moment. Nonetheless, it didn't take long until I felt Carol's left hand rubbing my back and her other hand pulling my hair back. „Oh, darling. You poor, poor angel." That was the last thing I heard before everything became dark.

* * *

The first thing I noticed as I slowly started coming back to my senses was someone loud arguing somewhere close to me. My eyes felt incredibly heavy and it took me a few tries until I was able to open them completely. Looking around I immediately realized that this wasn't my room. It was one of the observation rooms in the infirmary. How the hell did I get here? I wasn't alone, the woman, Carol, was standing by one of the windows a few feet away from me. She seemed to be in deep thought since she hadn't noticed me watching her at all. I tried to say something but all that came out my sore throat were coughs. Luckily, that was enough to draw her attention on me. She hurried over to sit by my side and offered me a glass of water that had been standing on the bedside table. I thankfully took a few gulps and, clumsy as I am, managed to spill some of it over my chin and down my neck. Carol set the glass back down and gently wiped the spilled water off with a tissue. I felt like a complete idiot, not even being able to drink water properly without making a mess of myself. I felt my cheeks heating up and was staring at my fingers, trying to hide my embarrassment.

That was until a delicate hand cupped my chin, slightly pushing it up, indicating for me to raise my head. „Don't be ashamed." I locked eyes with her. God, she's magnificent. „How are you feeling?" Her voice was filled with worry and something else I couldn't quite name.

„I'm okay, I guess." She smiled at that. „What happened?" That simple question was enough for her to loose that smile and replace it with a frown. It took her a moment until she answered me. „You… you don't remember anything?" I was silent for a minute, desperately trying to recall what had happened. „All I can remember is that I was freezing cold and drenched to the bone. You were brushing hair out of my face and told me your name. That's the last I can remember." She nodded at that and was about to respond but the arguing on the other side of the door got louder and louder.

„Sir please, she's still very weak and needs time to recover-" Was that doctor Semco?

„You bloody listen to me right now! I could get you fired with a simple snap of my fingers, you fucking do as I say! Now let me see her!" That voice… I knew that voice. A wave of panic and nausea spread through me and I silently begged to god that I was wrong. That it wasn't him on the other side of the door. Carol must have sensed my fear and cupped my face with her hands, forcing me to stop staring at the door with terror and to concentrate on her instead.

„Sir, I really think you shouldn't-" Semco never got to finish that sentence though since his opponent had already burst through the door, causing me to grow stiff. It was indeed him.

„Therese! What the hell were you thinking!? You stupid brat!" He bawled as he was striding towards me and Carol. However, before he had a chance to get any closer, Koda shot out from under the bed and stormed at him like a wild beast. I hadn't even known she had been under there the whole time. She snarled and barked, showing him her fangs. „Sir, please leave." Carol told him politely but yet with a hint of anger in her voice. She had stood up, holding her left arm out over my side to shield me from him in case he'd dare to come any closer. He glared at her and I was filled with a combination of fear and anger.

„Leave." I hissed. His gaze was now fixed on me, it took all the courage I had inside me not to break the eye contact. I would not let him see my fear. He pointed his index finger at me and his face grew red with rage. „This will have consequences!" And with that, he stormed out and left us four alone. Carol turned back towards me and took my hands in hers. „Are you okay, darling?" I nodded and drew in a large breath. She then turned around to doctor Semco who was slightly shaking. „Who in god's name was that?" She asked. Unsure he looked over to me, silently asking me for permission to answer the question. I nodded at him and he looked back at Carol again. „That was Edward Belivet."

End Chapter Two

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Thanks for all the lovely feedback! Please let me know what you think about this chapter as well! :)


	3. Insane

Why the hell are you reading this when you could read [Trust Me by Prince_Hel](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6950029/chapters/15847870) instead!? I just read it for the first time and honestly, it's so so good, I can't even. So why the heck are you reading my lousy fic when Trust me by Prince_Hel exists? It's lightyears ahead of my writing skills and I even feel like my fic is offending hers/his somehow. Anyways, I'm sorry this isn't a new chapter but I'm struggling with the plot of the story at the moment. I'm not quite sure what to make out of Carol yet and what her part in the story should be. If you have any suggestions, please let me know! I could really use them. Again, sorry for not posting a new chapter today!


	4. Insane Chapter Three

Insane  
Chapter Three

„That was Edward Belivet."  
Suddenly Carol's mood had completely changed. Instead of the caring and worried look she had given me just seconds ago, it now seemed as if someone had just slapped her in the face. She hastily got up from her spot beside me on the bed and hurried over to the door not saying a single word. „Carol?" She didn't stop, only murmured the words „I have to go" under her breath and with that she left. What had just happened? Did she know Edward? I looked over at doctor Semco who seemed just as irritated as me. Hell, even Koda seemed completely confused by Carol's behavior. Why did she run away all of the sudden? I had so many questions to ask her, so much to talk about. But now that she was gone, the only person left to ask was Semco. I had a feeling that whatever answer I'd get, I'd also get his personal opinion about them, which I didn't want at all. Taking a deep breath I settled back against the pillows and asked the one million dollar question. „What happened?"  
„You don't remember?" I shook my head, no. He thought about it for a moment. „That's not unusual in your case." The fuck did that mean? „I don't understand? What happened to me? Why am I here?" Nothing made sense anymore. Doctor Semco didn't speak for a while, he only looked at me. Just as I was about to tell him to stop staring at me like some serial killer, he finally answered my question. „You tried to drown yourself, Therese."

  
‚Oh well‘ was pretty much all that came to my mind in return to that. I probably should have been more shocked or affected by this reveal but to be honest? I wasn't. „Carol saved you. She said that she had been up to get a glass of juice from the kitchen, on her way there she noticed that one of the patio doors was open and that she saw a figure down at the beach. She went outside and quickly recognized you, she said that she had screamed after you but you didn't answer or turn around so she ran for you. If she wouldn't have seen you…. Therese, you nearly died that day." He sounded disappointed. It would have made me sad if I didn't know that he was just worried about his spectacular reputation. What did make me sad though was what I had done to Carol. What position she was put in because of me. No wonder she ran away earlier. How would anyone ever want to stay with someone like me? „Why did you do it, Therese?" Another million dollar question it seemed. „I can't remember." I honestly couldn't. I couldn't remember anything from that night, aside from when Carol fished me out of the water. „Had it something to do with your mother?" He grinned at me. As if he had suddenly solved the mystery of the decade. It took all the strength I had left in me to not claw his eyes out. I clenched my fists and tried to think of something else. "Answer me, Therese." It would only take one word, one little command from me and Koda would tear him apart. "Therese, the sooner you answer me the sooner you can go back to your room." Breathe, just breathe. C'mon girl, he only wants to tease you. He loves when you lose control over yourself. Don't give him that pleasure. Breathe. "Therese. Was it because of your mother? Answer me!"  
...  
„I don't have a mother."

 

* * *

 

  
„Chocolate pudding or strawberry yogurt?"  
It didn't take long for me to choose between those two options.  
„Strawberry yogurt, please."  
„Okay, here you go sweetie."  
„Thanks." I guess.  
Picking up my tray I looked around the room. There was no table left that was completely empty. Of course, there were still empty seats here and there but that would mean I had to talk to the other Cray-Crays and I wasn't up for that at all, so I took the only option left, which was sitting in the living room area where Koda was once again napping on the sofa. Once her nose caught the smell of food in the air, it didn't take long for her to wake up though. „Hello my girl, slept well?" She let out a big yawn and then gave me her best puppy eyes, silently begging for some of my food. „Oh, believe me, you don't want this, Koda." The only answer I got to that was a whine which could probably be translated to „But I do want that!". Grinning down at her goofy face, I gave her a little piece of my bread roll which she happily accepted. I stroked her golden fur for a bit before I slowly started to munch on my own piece of bread, it was honestly the best part of the whole meal. Semco claims he wants to keep us as healthy as possible, so today's lunch was German Kale Stew. It had sliced potatoes and carrots in it and came with two bread rolls. I think it's quite obvious that normally this wouldn't be my favorite choice of meal. But In here, you simply don't get to make many choices. At least not me. And clearly not after that night. They were all watching me like hawks now. They wouldn't even let me shower alone. Wherever I go I know there's already one of them watching me. However, it was never the one I wanted to see most. Days had gone by since Carol had stormed out of the observation room and with that out of my life. I looked everywhere for her. I even asked the other lunatics in here if they had seen the gorgeous blonde but to no luck. It seemed as if Carol had completely disappeared from this earth. My brain was trying it's best to make me believe that this was the best for me but my heart thought different. But it didn't matter. There was nothing I could possibly do about it. I would have to accept that I would probably never see her again.  


* * *

 

 

„Okay, now raise your arms like this."  
You'd think that after the 35th time it would be less embarrassing.  
„Now take off your pants, please."  
It wasn't.  
„Where did this come from, Therese?" He gestured at a scratch on my left thigh.  
„Koda."  
„Hmm, just like Koda did this?" This time he pointed towards the long scar on my left forearm.  
„No."  
„No?"  
„That wasn't Koda." He gave me a look I can only describe as self-praising. Fucking prick knew exactly where that came from.  
„You can put your clothes back on now, we're done here for today." Oh really? Too kind of you, your majesty. I put my clothes back on and left his office. These examinations were really starting to annoy the crap out of me. Every day Semco had this disgusting smile on his face while I had to take off my clothes. „It's necessary Therese, so I can see if you hurt yourself." Is it really necessary to stare at my breasts that long??? If I wanted to hurt me I would surely not do it there. Sighing I hurried back to my room, only to find that it wasn't empty…

  
End Chapter Three

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Hey :) Hope you like this new chapter! Let me know what you think!


	5. NOT A NEW CHAPTER BUT IMPORTANT NEWS

Hey Guys! First of all: I'm so so sorry that I've been away for so long and haven't updated this story in ages. Some of you might know that I'm terribly ill at the moment and having overall a difficult time. You may also know that I never really knew where to go with this story and had troubles writing it. That's why I decided to end this story here. BUT DO NOT WORRY! I AM CURRENTLY REWRITING IT! This story may be over but the idea of this story won't be! The new Insane will be a bit different, but it will be better written by a lot. Promise. I'm currently still at the first chapter and it will take me a few more weeks because I'll be away for a month soon to recover from my Illness. But again, no worries, I will try my best to use the time and work on the story as often as possible. I hope you guys will understand why I had to end this version of Insane and that you all can forgive me for that. I swear I'm giving my best to make up for it in the new Version. Anyways, thank you all for supporting me so much and liking my stories! Again: 

Thank you all!!


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